There is a
new dimension to the pre early mid life crisis. Marriage.
The debate
between arranged and love marriage has taken an all time high, and the general
discontent among the unmarried is growing. Singles, hopeful of finding the so
called love or the proverbial "soul-mate" are turning more practical
day by day, but at the same time, letting this frustration boil down into their
decision making skills. Marriage has always been a pre early mid life dilemma.
But , it was probably never more important, as is with this identity fighting
generation.
As a
teenager, everyone wants to fall in love. And get married with that loved one
eventually. But soon, some of us find out, that we are losers in the Darwinian
sense; that we cannot find our own partner( I know Darwinism is subverted in
these current times, but I think you get the point). Or even simply, some of us
realize, we are not quite cut out for commitment and love. The adjustment, the
change is too much to be acceptable. But, is that really extinction for us? So
here's the deal. On an average, in most probability, if you are to find your
soul mate, you are likely to find such a person during your late teens or early
twenties. Everything else, after that is purely a compromise and essentially
the same. This fact , that everything else is essentially the same, is what I
am going to try to explain.
As a teen,
you are in college, you find someone there, you get to spend time, really know
that person etc etc. The point is, there is an 'option' to spend some 'years' with that person, before you start thinking of engagement
and marriage. And if that option is exercised, and if the couple survives, they
have said to have found the proverbial soul-mate. But if one has not really 'succeeded' till lets
say 24, 25, then the mind starts convincing itself of different people as
soul-mates, because it cannot let go of the fact, that it wants to fall in
love, and not 'accept' anyone through
arranged marriage. This is where the problem begins. Most of the youth have a
hidden disregard for arrange marriage. It does not quite fit their already super
bloated, falsely justified egos. They nurture this disregard at the cost of
pulling a veil over a risk, of committing to a not so compatible person.
At 24, 25,
this is what happens. Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. They both know they are
single. Arrange marriage is to be avoided at all costs. So the boy thinks he
likes the girl. The girl thinks she probably likes the guy. Now, they both
know, at this stage, that they are convincing themselves to like each other,
without really liking each other. Looking back, there was hope even at this
stage. But they both argue with the tiny 'angel' that pops next to their right ear, that unless one of them
takes a chance, how would they know if they are a fit for each other ? The 'devil' has already
started smiling at the left ear. So , they take a chance. They slowly convince
themselves, that the other person was destined to die with them. Live with them
at least, for starters. A lot of Shah Rukh Khan movies are seen, and Taylor
Swift songs are heard. Life is good. It was never better. Until the
intermission.
21 st
century, along with the fact that an age of 24,25 brings in other
responsibilities, hardly gives any time to continue the movie the same way
after interval. I am not saying it doesn't work, but, its extremely difficult,
to make it work, while the girl and the boy are in different countries, states,
cities or even zip code, or simply just living two different lifestyles, or
professions. They cannot ever get the same time, like a couple in their late teens
or early twenties would get, to know each other, fight with each other, be
surprised at each other, hate each other, and fall in love with each other all
over again,3 times a week at least. Well, some people fight, by trying to keep
it alive by emails, phone calls, and texting, but it ends some day. AT&T
does not have a cheap texting plan. The result? The intelligence kicks in, and
the girl and the boy realize that they probably cannot ever invest in the
relationship enough. Either or both start losing interest in each other. Also
because their egos do not let them neglect other things in life as well. Many a
times, a friend's good looking spouse, or a friend's good looking
girlfriend/boyfriend ,or any other self justified reason, makes them think that
they can and should shoot for something better as well. This reinforces their
current thought that they have probably compromised, and it distances
themselves from the relationship even further. And they realize that they are
as susceptible to like the next girl and the boy , who even remotely smiles at
them. Often, friendships are rushed through, so fast , that they cease to
exist. This is what brings me to arrange marriage.
A typical
scenario again. Probably 4-5 choices. More if you are a Gujju. One choice is
picked. The boy and the girl start talking, texting, and eventually calling
each other. Ah, the courtship period is beautiful , where each tries to impress
the other knowingly, and the other lets it happen, again knowingly. The
families have already signaled green. So, these two, the new pair of girl and
boy, catch up with each other pretty fast, especially when the the intention
itself is to be compatible and ultimately get married. Now, lets say, after a
month or two of courtship, this new pair is at a comfort level, which would be
equivalent to the comfort level of lets say, the girl and boy in the discussion
above, the pair which has tried to "fall " in love, and tried to
build a relationship, lets say for 4-5 months or even almost a year.
So, if they
are equivalent, on what basis, is the person supposed to decide , whether he
should chose the person he tried to fall in love with and is probably a
compromise, or the person he met through the arrange marriage channel, which is
also a different compromise? Its equivalent. Neither is real love. The person
would have fallen in love with the arrange marriage suitor as well, if he or
she was the one they had met before. And this is especially true, because,
after the age of 24.25, 'love' is a compromise, and a 'calculation'.
The family is checked, the finances are checked, the looks are checked, and
rest of the things on the list are checked. If you get all check marks, you
fall in love. Its that simple. Why shouldn't the person go for the arrange
marriage option? At least the arrange marriage option has resolved basic
compatibility and family issues. Or should he go with an option of "the
person he chose" just to get a sense of "self achievement" ?
In fact,
because of these very check marks, and the general tendency to become more
compatible to make the marriage work, arrange marriages could have a higher
success rate, than the pre early mid life "love marriages". There are
less surprises. Egos have already accepted each other. Finances are sorted out.
The families are happy and prone to adjust. And the truth is, love can grow
here as well. If a person can fall in love at 24, or convince himself that he
has, he can definitely fall in love with his spouse, even though it is after
marriage. After all, what would make a love marriage work, is often, the same
thing, which would make an arranged marriage work. The order in which that was
realized is not important in the long run. Its important that the thing which
makes marriages work is realized at all.
In fact,
because of the equivalence of two scenarios above, each scenarios itself become
questionable about the person's integrity. There is none. If one realizes, that
given the right circumstances, after 24,25, he or she can pretty much like or
fall in love with any suitable person, he should realize its a compromise in
the first place.
True love is
practically proverbial. If not, it at least takes time, like all things in
nature. Don't rush through it. Don't convince yourself for it. Don't make
yourself helpless, frustrated, and disgusting, for it. Give it time. Give you
friend the time. If it stays, its yours to enjoy. But if it doesn't, you would
at least not lose a friend. Go through being a friend first , before becoming a
soul mate. Its a necessary, but often neglected stage in the 'rushed love'. Sadly, sometimes the friendship exists,
because something else is desired. So, if you are not in your late teens, or
early twenties, or not physically close to your girlfriend/boyfriend, better
start accepting things will not be good on the 'finding love' front.
They might not be even a bad fairytale. They could be a nightmare for all you
know. But anyway, if you choose to follow the rat race, which is not wrong by
the way, don't fret over it. Its not extinction. Arrange marriages work. Their
very design makes them work.
We should
enjoy the Valentine's day though. I am not against love. Neither am I a orange
flag bearer, who wants to assault women in pubs. Hope and wish to fall in love,
but do not regret if you don't. Do not fret if you don't. Its not a right. Its
a random privilege. Love is heaven. Love is fantastic. Love is wonderful. Love
is cloud # 9.5. Love is enlightening. Love is life. Love is hope. Love is pure.
Love is good. Yes.
But Love is
also highly overrated. Love Marriages, more so.
As my
favorite SRK said
"
Mohabbat ke
jamane gujar gaye jaanab,
Mohabbat ke
jamane gujar gaye jaanab,
Ab ,chotey
motey pyar se hi kaam chala lijiye aap " :):)
Nachiket
Mehta
9th Day of
Feb 10
