Shaadi Aaj Kal

There is a new dimension to the pre early mid life crisis. Marriage.

The debate between arranged and love marriage has taken an all time high, and the general discontent among the unmarried is growing. Singles, hopeful of finding the so called love or the proverbial "soul-mate" are turning more practical day by day, but at the same time, letting this frustration boil down into their decision making skills. Marriage has always been a pre early mid life dilemma. But , it was probably never more important, as is with this identity fighting generation.

As a teenager, everyone wants to fall in love. And get married with that loved one eventually. But soon, some of us find out, that we are losers in the Darwinian sense; that we cannot find our own partner( I know Darwinism is subverted in these current times, but I think you get the point). Or even simply, some of us realize, we are not quite cut out for commitment and love. The adjustment, the change is too much to be acceptable. But, is that really extinction for us? So here's the deal. On an average, in most probability, if you are to find your soul mate, you are likely to find such a person during your late teens or early twenties. Everything else, after that is purely a compromise and essentially the same. This fact , that everything else is essentially the same, is what I am going to try to explain.

As a teen, you are in college, you find someone there, you get to spend time, really know that person etc etc. The point is, there is an 'option' to spend some 'years' with that person, before you start thinking of engagement and marriage. And if that option is exercised, and if the couple survives, they have said to have found the proverbial soul-mate. But if one has not really 'succeeded' till lets say 24, 25, then the mind starts convincing itself of different people as soul-mates, because it cannot let go of the fact, that it wants to fall in love, and not 'accept' anyone through arranged marriage. This is where the problem begins. Most of the youth have a hidden disregard for arrange marriage. It does not quite fit their already super bloated, falsely justified egos. They nurture this disregard at the cost of pulling a veil over a risk, of committing to a not so compatible person.

At 24, 25, this is what happens. Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. They both know they are single. Arrange marriage is to be avoided at all costs. So the boy thinks he likes the girl. The girl thinks she probably likes the guy. Now, they both know, at this stage, that they are convincing themselves to like each other, without really liking each other. Looking back, there was hope even at this stage. But they both argue with the tiny 'angel' that pops next to their right ear, that unless one of them takes a chance, how would they know if they are a fit for each other ? The 'devil' has already started smiling at the left ear. So , they take a chance. They slowly convince themselves, that the other person was destined to die with them. Live with them at least, for starters. A lot of Shah Rukh Khan movies are seen, and Taylor Swift songs are heard. Life is good. It was never better. Until the intermission.

21 st century, along with the fact that an age of 24,25 brings in other responsibilities, hardly gives any time to continue the movie the same way after interval. I am not saying it doesn't work, but, its extremely difficult, to make it work, while the girl and the boy are in different countries, states, cities or even zip code, or simply just living two different lifestyles, or professions. They cannot ever get the same time, like a couple in their late teens or early twenties would get, to know each other, fight with each other, be surprised at each other, hate each other, and fall in love with each other all over again,3 times a week at least. Well, some people fight, by trying to keep it alive by emails, phone calls, and texting, but it ends some day. AT&T does not have a cheap texting plan. The result? The intelligence kicks in, and the girl and the boy realize that they probably cannot ever invest in the relationship enough. Either or both start losing interest in each other. Also because their egos do not let them neglect other things in life as well. Many a times, a friend's good looking spouse, or a friend's good looking girlfriend/boyfriend ,or any other self justified reason, makes them think that they can and should shoot for something better as well. This reinforces their current thought that they have probably compromised, and it distances themselves from the relationship even further. And they realize that they are as susceptible to like the next girl and the boy , who even remotely smiles at them. Often, friendships are rushed through, so fast , that they cease to exist. This is what brings me to arrange marriage.

A typical scenario again. Probably 4-5 choices. More if you are a Gujju. One choice is picked. The boy and the girl start talking, texting, and eventually calling each other. Ah, the courtship period is beautiful , where each tries to impress the other knowingly, and the other lets it happen, again knowingly. The families have already signaled green. So, these two, the new pair of girl and boy, catch up with each other pretty fast, especially when the the intention itself is to be compatible and ultimately get married. Now, lets say, after a month or two of courtship, this new pair is at a comfort level, which would be equivalent to the comfort level of lets say, the girl and boy in the discussion above, the pair which has tried to "fall " in love, and tried to build a relationship, lets say for 4-5 months or even almost a year.

So, if they are equivalent, on what basis, is the person supposed to decide , whether he should chose the person he tried to fall in love with and is probably a compromise, or the person he met through the arrange marriage channel, which is also a different compromise? Its equivalent. Neither is real love. The person would have fallen in love with the arrange marriage suitor as well, if he or she was the one they had met before. And this is especially true, because, after the age of 24.25, 'love' is a compromise, and a 'calculation'. The family is checked, the finances are checked, the looks are checked, and rest of the things on the list are checked. If you get all check marks, you fall in love. Its that simple. Why shouldn't the person go for the arrange marriage option? At least the arrange marriage option has resolved basic compatibility and family issues. Or should he go with an option of "the person he chose" just to get a sense of "self achievement" ?

In fact, because of these very check marks, and the general tendency to become more compatible to make the marriage work, arrange marriages could have a higher success rate, than the pre early mid life "love marriages". There are less surprises. Egos have already accepted each other. Finances are sorted out. The families are happy and prone to adjust. And the truth is, love can grow here as well. If a person can fall in love at 24, or convince himself that he has, he can definitely fall in love with his spouse, even though it is after marriage. After all, what would make a love marriage work, is often, the same thing, which would make an arranged marriage work. The order in which that was realized is not important in the long run. Its important that the thing which makes marriages work is realized at all.

In fact, because of the equivalence of two scenarios above, each scenarios itself become questionable about the person's integrity. There is none. If one realizes, that given the right circumstances, after 24,25, he or she can pretty much like or fall in love with any suitable person, he should realize its a compromise in the first place.

True love is practically proverbial. If not, it at least takes time, like all things in nature. Don't rush through it. Don't convince yourself for it. Don't make yourself helpless, frustrated, and disgusting, for it. Give it time. Give you friend the time. If it stays, its yours to enjoy. But if it doesn't, you would at least not lose a friend. Go through being a friend first , before becoming a soul mate. Its a necessary, but often neglected stage in the 'rushed love'. Sadly, sometimes the friendship exists, because something else is desired. So, if you are not in your late teens, or early twenties, or not physically close to your girlfriend/boyfriend, better start accepting things will not be good on the 'finding love' front. They might not be even a bad fairytale. They could be a nightmare for all you know. But anyway, if you choose to follow the rat race, which is not wrong by the way, don't fret over it. Its not extinction. Arrange marriages work. Their very design makes them work.

We should enjoy the Valentine's day though. I am not against love. Neither am I a orange flag bearer, who wants to assault women in pubs. Hope and wish to fall in love, but do not regret if you don't. Do not fret if you don't. Its not a right. Its a random privilege. Love is heaven. Love is fantastic. Love is wonderful. Love is cloud # 9.5. Love is enlightening. Love is life. Love is hope. Love is pure. Love is good. Yes.

But Love is also highly overrated. Love Marriages, more so.

As my favorite SRK said

"

Mohabbat ke jamane gujar gaye jaanab,

Mohabbat ke jamane gujar gaye jaanab,

Ab ,chotey motey pyar se hi kaam chala lijiye aap " :):)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7_NxARCH4c

Nachiket Mehta

9th Day of Feb 10 

Committed Compatibilty Coefficient

Necessity is the mother of invention,they say. 

Have you ever been one of those , where you did not know why you were in a certain place at a certain time? Did you ever feel out of place just because the rest of the people around you are talking on the phone with their girlfriends and/or boyfriends? Were you there ever , when all the logic in the world seemed to fail , where a "couple" was concerned? Did you ever see any of your previously respected friends, lose all the respect you had for them after they became committed? Or were you in a dilemma ever, if you should join a particular group of people , in their social plans, trying to think whether you would gel in or not?

Well, I have been in plenty of these scenarios, and if you have ever been single in your life,surrounded by "committed"/"its complicated" kind of people, you would know how it feels. I was once wondering if I should accept a particular social invitation, and pondering over this on my bus ride home. Thats when I thought, why not have a measurable figure of merit to make this decision.?Its too taxing on my small "single" brain anyway! One thing led to another, and after hours of unfunded research, and studying of special cases, I came up with C3- the Committed Compatibility Coefficient. 

The following text is extremely readable and demands no prerequisites except the will to understand the truth. And fractions, which you learnt in 5th grade. Examples covering the most common cases are also published to aid the reader in understanding the concepts faster. 

C3  =  1 - P

C3 is actually the compatibility coefficient for "singles",and obviously, P is the coefficient for the complimentary set, the "committed" people. In most cases, C3 is what matters most, but just to be clear, in a rare case of population inversion, where there are less committed people in a group of many single people, they also, theoretically feel left out, and might want to calculate this "P" factor.

P is defined by 

P =   C             where,

      ----

       T

C : Number of committed people in the group

T: Total number of people in the group.

Now you must be thinking, this is basic! But more is coming, and it is necessary to establish the foundation.
Lets take an example. Let there be 5 people in a social group. Let their names me Tom ,Dick,Harry, and Sita ,Gita. Let 3 people out of this group be committed. Say Dick, Harry and Sita are committed and Tom ,Gita are single. Hence P would be 3/5 and hence C3 would be 1 - 3/5 = 2/5.  This should be the compatibility coefficient for Tom and Gita to the group.  3/5 i.e P would be the compatibility of Dick, Harry and Sita  to the group.

It is easy to see, and even intuitive to imagine practically, that if 4 people were committed, lets say Gita too was committed, then Tom would have felt more weird in that group. This "more weird" can be easily seen through C3, as now, P would be 4/5 and C3 would be 1/5. Now 1/5 is definitely smaller than previous C3 which was 2/5 . Hence the compatibility of Tom went down, as expected.  

Also interesting to see is that P went up , which agrees with the other practical observation, that the compatibility of "committed" people goes up when they are in similar crowd. Essentially because everyone seems to be doing the same stupid things, and no one seems to mind anyone else. They are in their own world.

Now there is one more effect to be modeled in the formula.  We all know that if , out of the committed people in a group, there is a "couple" there itself, the uncomfortness of the "single" person further increases. This is because, the "couple" behave, like they are a separate entity in itself. Mathematically, it adds a virtual person to the group, and to the number of total committed people too. Or, to put it simply, the P factor gets modified to 

P =   C + Nc

       --------

      T + Nc

Nc: Number of "couples" or "pairs" in the group.

C and T mean the same thing as previously.

Example again. Lets now assume, that except Tom, everyone is committed. So , the basic formula gives the C3 value for Tom as 1/5 as seen above. But what if Harry and Sita are committed? The incompatibility of Tom to the group has to go up. Nc = 1 in this case. Hence the new P factor is (4+1)/(5+1) = 5/6 and the new "corrected" C3 value for Tom is 1 - P = 1/6.  It is easy to see that the corrected C3 value 1/6 is less than the basic first order approximation of 1/5, which agrees with the practical observations that Tom must be feeling more out of place.

Corollary: If a social group involves finite number of distinct couples, each one of the social group is completely compatible to the rest of the group.

This can be easily verified, even by first approximation. But, this proves that the second order approximation is correct too. A group involving only couples means its a  group with even number of people. Lets say 6. Hence 3 couples. So , according to first approximation, the P factor is 6/6 which is "1". Remember , that for "committed" category, the compatibility is given by P and not C3. Now, by the revised formula, P is again (6+ 3/6+3) = 1 !

You must have observed how married /committed people plan picnics and get-togethers together. There is hardly any "single" person involved.And that is the best thing to do. Each person in that group feels comfortable, with he/she being concerned only about his/her partner , who , obviously is also there. Also, in all these cases,  C3 will be tending to zero . Hence , such a social invitation would turn out to be pretty dangerous for "single" people. They should avoid C3 values below .2 under all circumstance, or it might leave deep lasting scars on their mind, with consequences as ghastly as they permanently being "single".

Also, logically, it makes sense for singles to go in for a social group of C3 values more than .5, as there are chances of other opposite sex(same sex for some) single persons being in the group. 

And this brings us to the next degree of approximation. And this is interesting.Imagine a situation, where in a group, a set of people are not really seeing each other, but one of them wants something to work out between them .He/she might have , lets say, a crush on the other. In these cases, the person convinces himself/herself that he/she might be compatible to the group even if they are not. For e.g  if in the set of 5 people mentioned,  Tom has a crush on Sita.  Even though he might find the group boring,he still might go in for a movie plan, because he wants to have a chance with Sita. So, assuming Harry and Gita are a couple, Dick is committed, Sita and Tom are single , by the second order approximation which was explained earlier, the C3 value for Tom was 1 - (3+1)/(5+1) =2/6 = 1/3 .

The revised P factor now is 

P =  C + Nc -Ni          where

      -------------

         T + Nc

Ni is the number of people in the group you are "interested" in. 

Interested could mean different things for different people .Rest of the things mean the same.

So the new P is (3 +1 -1)/(5+1) = 3/6 and the new C3 values for Tom is 1/2 . Wow..the compatibility of Tom to the group did increase, and he might actually go for the movie! In real life too..Tom would have. It is important to note that, the denominator still has T + Nc term, because unlike in previous case, the total number of people did not virtually change. This P factor holds as long as P is positive. If Ni becomes more than C+Nc, then ideally, C3 factor should be assumed to be 1. Readers are left to interpret this on their own. 

I think this level of approximation is enough for the "single" layman  out there, waiting for some answers from the heavens above. A lot more research is going on, because as you already know and have experienced, relationships are amazingly complex. There might be cases of a social group where there is a couple, and one of the persons of the couple is attracted to someone else in the group who is single . Take that! And what if they are of the same sex. Beat that! Modelling all that in the C3 values will take years of funded research. Till then , this amateur work, done solely with the intention of serving the public, with noblest of intentions, should suffice. Any question , suggestions, corrections to the modelling are welcome. We all want to together make this world a better place for "single" people. My roommate Gagan, has been my best critic. He might be instrumental in taking this research to the next level. My thanks to him.

So to summarize, the C3 value which is the compatibility coefficient for a "single" person to the group is 

C3 = 1 -P

P =  C + Nc -Ni

      -------------

        T + Nc

T:   Total number of people in the social group.

C:   Total committed people in the social group.

Nc: Number of couples in the social group 

Ni:  Number of people you are "interested" in , in the social group.

P:  Committed person's compatibility to the social group.

So, singles, go walk into this world, with your head held high, and the C3 value calculated.

Nachiket Mehta

Single

14th Feb 2009