The Day The Music Died

Imagine you are happily married. Nothing about your life is extraordinary, but life is still good. Then one day, you visit a place you used to visit often as a teenager. A place where you have had good times. You eat at the same place you used to eat 10 years ago. You drink the same coffee. You remember the girl you were head over heels in college. All you wished back then was to marry her. You live in that 10 years ago moment, for a moment, sharing a laugh with your friends. But before you know a sudden sadness engulfs your heart. A sadness that this is no longer a part of your life. A sadness that stems from letting go. A sadness that comes from remembering the good times, and realizing how you will never be so innocent, pristine and happy again. How it will never be the same, however hard you try.

I have felt like a jilted lover since Sachin announced his retirement from ODI's last year. I have been trying to avoid any discussion, thought, rationalization or argument about him. I wanted my moment with Sachin alone. I did not know how to come to peace with the inevitable fact about his retirement, that he will no longer be seen on the green fields, wielding his wooden wand. These last few days have been a rush to accept that fact. These last few days, on the eve of his last test match have been an emotional upheaval. Routine life seems too trivial. As Sachin raises his bat one last time, I cannot ignore the sadness creeping in as he walks back to the stand. I can feel the silence of the crowds within me. They are chanting his name, but that's because they don't know what to do. The silence is discomforting, so they make noise. Every video snippet they have been showing about him, every stroke he played in his last test match, brings back a flash of memories from my own childhood. And then it occurred to me - that this was as much as my journey, in fact may be more so, than it was Tendulkar's.

"As soon as he comes out, the thunder starts

from fifty thousand throats the sun made dry. 

You almost hear the fifty thousand hearts, 

In ragged unison, beat for one boy. "

These lines are still fresh in my mind. They echo each time he walks into the field. I was in 9th or 10th grade when I first came across this great poem "From the Cheap Seats" by Dom Moraes. I chose it for my class' "poem recital" assignment. It was akin to making a statement for me, for someone who had always played it safe with the academic world until then. Just couple of years ago, I had chosen the ever so safe John Keats. But reciting a poem about Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar was not in consideration. You couldn't just take a poem off a local magazine, could you?. It has to be a classic, a famous one. I don't why I chose this, but I did. I still remember from when I was in front of the class-that it didn't mater to me what others thought. I was singing praises for my hero, and for all I know,  it was as good as a classic.

But the Sachin fascination had started long ago. To tell the truth, I don't know how or when it started. To me, it feels like I was just born with it. I remember, like every other teenager my generation having Sachin posters in my room. The good looking posters at Archies were expensive, reserved as birthday gifts, but most of us made do with the cheaper Sarasbaug variety. As a kid, I couldn't get enough of him. That hasn't changed yet. I saved every news article, every photo, every magazine I found. I never realized when this habit become an obsession. There was a phase where my only topic of conversation with the outside world was Sachin. If they didn't want to speak about him, I didn't speak at all. Even when I went to someone else's house, I went through their newspaper "raddi" to find Sachin related stuff because they subscribed to a different newspaper. Eventually my relatives just started saving them for me.

"Ten years ago they mispronounced his name
At Lord’s, where, with a catch, a myth began.

Tall, cold, and arrogant, the captains came
to break this boy, and found he was a man."

I remember when my elder brother got married, my only criterion to make an opinion about his wife was whether she was a Tendulkar fan or not. That's all that mattered to me. She went into my golden list of people when she told me she also has a small collection of Sachin articles, saved from her childhood, which she would happily give to me for safekeeping.

Its been more than 6 years that I have been away from my home. Before I left for the US, I put all my stuff in a closet, including my Sachin collection. When I think back, out of 4 big shelves that I had for myself, 2 represented my life of 23 years. And 2 were occupied by Sachin. This closetful of memories is one of my only treasures remaining. And the treasure keeps building up. Even now, whenever Tendulkar scores a century, when he hit 200, when he announced retirement, every important news about him, I call up my sister back home and tell her to go crazy with magazine and newspaper shopping, take all those magazines and put them in my closet. Each time I visit home, I need one more shelf.

"Thickset and stocky, he takes guard today.

Designer stubble coarsens his young cheeks.
What fetches thousands here to see him play?

You feel the watchers stir in the cheap seats"

I thought I am going to meet my hero some day. And I thought my closet-full of memories will take me towards him. My plan as a teenager was to make a giant scrap book with all my collection, and present it to Sachin. I thought he would like it. I have forever imagined that photo of me presenting it to him, and he carving his autograph on it. And with that heightened enthusiasm, I collected even more. 

Life happened. I came to the US. Things became too commonplace in my life. But Sachin kept on beckoning us. The advent of internet made it difficult to collect. Honestly, there was a certain charm in trying to find that one good article in a used book store. You felt connected. With the internet, there was just too much written about him. I almost gave up trying to store every online article I came across. That's when in a fit of outrage at myself, I made a pact with my close friend Maanas, to start "Project Sachin". The idea was, we would weed through the tons of online material, and select the very best. Review and filter even further. The idea was to "recruit" only the very best variety of Sachin fans to do this. Fortunately, and unsurprisingly, all my best friends are ardent Tendulkar connoisseurs. We even made plans to rope in our software developer friend Varun to make an iPhone app about Sachin. Free for all. Just the very best, no nonsense collection of articles, photos and videos about Sachin. And we were still going to present that scrapbook to Sachin.

"Suddenly as the sun, he finds his power.

So, when the ringmaster assumes his place, 

flashes and whipcracks fill the acrid air, 

though he shows no emotion in his face."

There is still a folder named "Project Sachin" in my Dropbox-shared with Maanas. That project remained a distant dream. Unlike Sachin, we gave in to life, and pursued our trivial routines. When I saw "Farewell Tendulkar" section on the Cricinfo website, my heart burnt. That comes close to what we were trying to achieve. That could have been us. Only if we had tried a bit harder. 

But may be it is alright. Just like a 100 in his last game, something incomplete feels more connected. Something more remembered. We will always want to finish that project. That will keep Sachin alive in our hearts.

"The great show’s on the road, the circus tent 

made of leached sky. The tricolour hangs slack.

Not many people know what it once meant.

The marvellous boy refuses to turn back."

Sachin has gone through his own set of struggles. Every hero needs it, to reinvent himself. He needs to grapple with the enormous burden on his shoulders. He needs to grapple with the power he has. Its interesting, Sachin, that you think that we stayed with you for 24 years. It was actually you who held on. Through our ups and downs. Graduations and weddings. You never gave up on us.

The media hasn't been very kind with him in the last few years. Yes, they praise him quickly, but they write him off fast too. I felt disappointed at the cries asking for his retirement. Yesterday, everyone wanted just one more stroke, one more word, one more minute from him. But the same people had called for his head. I know there were "logical" and "numerical" arguments to support his retirement earlier, but I think there was a fair poetic logic in allowing him to struggle at the end phase of his career. Sachin and cricket were in love with each other. They are one and the same. For someone who has given every breath to cricket, the only possible way was to fight staying with cricket. Quitting while on the top would have been a logical decision. For Sachin, cricket came from his heart. As with many things in life, struggle often implies love. I can only imagine, how heartbroken he must have felt, when he heard that they don't want him anymore. His struggle till the very end, shows his love for the game and his commitment.

But it doesn't matter now. As of tomorrow, the world is already different.

"The watchers in cheap seats applaud it all 

with puny wooden drums, instead of words.

Fireworks explode round fences as the ball 

soars up in its huge arc to threaten birds."

His fans have matured with him. We used to fight for him and argue for him. We were hurt when anyone criticized him. We took it personally when he was spoken in a bad light. I still remember a small incident from almost a decade ago. A few of us had gone on a day trip to Singhagad. We were having food at the small hut, a quick fix hotel atop Singhagad. That hotel had a Sachin Pepsi poster on one of its outside walls. It was windy that day. A certain strong gust of wind took that poster down when we heard the owner of that hotel shout out to his waiter boy "Aeee arey bagh toh Sachya padla...". He meant to say Sachin's poster fell down, but it literally translates to "Sachin fell". I still remember throwing bewildered glances at Maanas. We both shared the same thought-how dare the hotel owner say such a thing !

But we have come a long way ourselves. We have learnt that our love for Sachin is beyond numbers, beyond statistics. Just like Sachin, we silently laugh and walk away when we hear critics. Sometimes calmness is an outcome of having enough faith. Noise is needed when we are trying to convince others, but more importantly convince ourselves of what we are shouting about.

They call him "God". Rightly so. And I understand and agree wholeheartedly with the emotion behind it, but I personally refrain from using that term. Not because I don't want to associate him with God, but because it takes away the credit from Sachin. It takes away his genius. The surprising part is; that he is, indeed a human. A mortal. And even then, he is everything else.

"Now strings are pulled, the tricolour unfurled.

But he’s empowered, not reined by any rope.

Tatters of colour, shreds of sound, are whirled 

around the cheap seats, in a rage of hope,

while with his bat he reinvents their world."

Looking back at Sachin's life and career, it makes us feel good about ourselves. Through more than just cricket, he inspires us to be better. To be simple. Watching Sachin finally show emotions on the field was heartbreaking. My heart went out for that one person. Again.

Sir Tendulkar-you were an honest happiness. You were an addiction. An inspiration. A friend. A constant companion. You were always in our prayers. One of the few that were answered. You define our generation. You identify us.

Watching you has been a poetry in motion. I don't know if you are a cricketer first or a musician. A sportsman or a composer. For that willow is more than just a bat. It was your baton. Thank you for being there for us. Thank you for all the joy. Thank you for the music.

It was an absolute honor.

Letting you go is difficult. Very damn difficult.

Nachiket Mehta
16th Nov, 2013

Some moments are etched in our memory...they play like an endless loop.
 It is surprising how we remember everything about them-the silent living room,
the quick prayers, the noise of leather on wood, and then the chaotic jubilation. 

THANK YOU SACHIN

(Sums up the emotions of a billion people)

Vanishing Stars

I was in the gym when I got the text message from my friend Varun. "Steve Jobs no more" it said. To be honest, his demise wasn't something unexpected. He had been frail for a long time, diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. But its unimaginable impact on self was. I did not expect, that with millions others like me, the loss would feel personal. But for some reason it did. I tried to continue cycling , but the TV screen in front of me played news of SJ's demise again and again, and I could not any longer delay the sinking feeling in an attempt to burn some more calories. SJ definitely commanded at least two minutes of cycling silence from me. I just went home. I had a sense of some injustice taking place, some error happening on the Creator's part. I was not really angry, but rather disappointed. There was almost a selfish streak to my disappointment, because along with sadness, I had a feeling of  "Damn..now who is going to come up with those great designs ..". And I was further ashamed of bearing that selfishness.

Moments like these, makes us realise how much someone so remote has touched our lives, and how much we actually owe to that someone. Let me tell you "my" Apple story. I was never a Apple guy. I wasn't one of those guys who went to a coffee shop because I had a cool looking Mac. I was a Windows person, and am still a big advocate of Windows in our day to day lives.

But then iPhone happened. And it changed the way how I marveled at technology and simplicity.

It changed the way I thought of Apple. It introduced me to a phenomenon known as Steve Jobs. Although I knew who SJ was before iPhone and his various other accomplishments, I did not bother to be impressed. I regarded him as just one more silicon valley knight. But since I owned an iPhone - SJ, iPhone, iAnything and Apple have become synonymous with each other for me. I cannot isolate talking about SJ from talking about Apple or iAnything.

Apple changed the way how I judge an invention, any progress, any technology. Apple forced me to search for simplicity in things.

Why SJ was great was because he brought intuition to complex products. My amazement at SJ comes from my amazement with iPhone.To keep something geeky is not too difficult #Android. To make something human takes inhuman efforts. Right from the moment an iPhone touches your hands, it talks to you in its own unique body language. You don't really need to understand it to start using it. Its simple. It seems to read your mind like an old time lover. It seduces you by its touch. It leads you to discover her and amazes you more and more as you explore her. The more you know her, the more you are captivated, enchanted and you know, that you are not going back to anyone else again. She has you in her spell.

I have often had "friendly" arguments with my buddies, bordering on war, about an iPhone vs an Android. Its almost like a fight we see these days because of a religion. But then, is what SJ created any different ? Isn't he like a messiah?. Think about it - Apple binds people to a discipline, a thought process. People say that Apple only allows you to operate in its own rules. It controls how you use it. Unlike other devices, which I think don't have any form or function integrity, it gives us freedom, by binding us. It shares its love with everyone,without bias. It has caused wars, as I mentioned above. But its the interpreters, the practitioners who do that. It in itself does not intend it. Not to mention people are against it without understanding the genius behind it. The thought behind it. The philosophy behind it. They tend to label it too fast. Some fear it might destroy their originality if they accept it in their life. Some feel threatened to an extent that they are ready to accept anything else. Now, isn't that already becoming a  religion? May be, it does boil down to faith in some way.

Android is because iPhone is. Apple created the competition, and they beat it. SJ was a proof that an idea can be powerful. How many industries did it create? Plenty. Companies exists because iPhone exists.One might say Apple copied other things. iPhone was not original. Fair enough. May be it is right. The question is not really about being original. The question is about what one did with what one knew. Touch screens were not new. But did anyone else master the "touch" ?. I am not against Android at all. I think it is itself a well deserved technology feat. What I don't like is someone faking their un-marvel at iPhone. I think one of the signs that a product has really touched peoples' lives is if it becomes a verb, or a descriptor for a group, or an adjective. Like Google. Google this, google that. Or Xerox. Can you xerox these documents? Or Kindle. Or  iPod. Or iPad.

You either hate Apple or you are in love with it. Either way, you are touched by it. But there are no two ways about SJ. There is no other emotion but immense respect for him. I am appalled at people who are trying to prove how iPhone is a piece of shit or how they don't approve of Apple. Frankly its an insult to SJ. If its a friendly argument about why someone loves their Android more than iPhone, its fine. One is free to choose his or her phone. But really, does one need to go the lengths of disgracing the genius behind iPhone just to feel a tad better about their Android ? I think by doing this, iPhone has already won, SJ has already been proved right, again. Apple doesn't even need to try. How many non Apple commercials do we see which try to compare their product with Apple and poke Apple to market themselves.? And how many do we see the other way around.?

If nothing else is available, people start blaming SJ's taskmaster character. I don't care about how he was in his personal life. I really want to know to whom does it matter? All he did was never let his focus off the customer. He sincerely loved his customers.If you probe any person deep enough, you are bound to find inconsistencies. Frankly, thats human. It's not that he committed a sin. He just had unfaltering ideas of perfection. I have not read his biography, nor interested in knowing anything more about him. The image of SJ I have is sufficient to make him my hero, my inspiration. I don't crave for any more details.

But its not only SJ that we lost last year. 2011 seems to have been terrible. Too many gems lost. Jagjit Singh, Shashi Kapoor and Bhimsen Joshi to add a few. Is this a sign? Are the legends making way for the new ones, or are we entering a starless time? Or are we really facing the end of the world? That would explain why HE is calling all his favorites back to HIM. Very selfish of HIM if thats true.

Sachin Tendulkar. Cannot even imagine the impact on me the day I hear he is no more. I am going to go cold turkey. I am going to go into deep silence. Or maybe, that's when it will start sinking in, that the honeymoon phase is over, and life sucks. The fairy-tale has ended. Forget the time when he passes away. His retirement, which is now near, will equally hurt. I tend to shun imagining these moments. I was never introduced to cricket and then to SRT. I go introduced to the aura known as SRT, and then to cricket. I don't think I will follow cricket after the time of SRT.

These stars, they abstracted what they did, from what it really is and made it into a beacon for human achievement. SJ took "design" to the next level. Any study of a good design will not be complete without being in reverence of SJ and Apple. Any lesson in sport and sportsmanship will not be complete without being in awe of SRT and his discipline and dedication.

But its not only those faraway stars that I miss. My grandfather, a hero to me, also passed away last year. 90 years of  treasures just faded away. Someone who saw the second world war, the uprising, the British, the freedom that we earned, the freedom that we gave away, the corruption, the India shining, the Bombay, the Mumbai, the television, the landing on moon and also an iPhone during his time on earth just ceased to exist one fine day. 90 years is not a short time.And to live them in an exemplary fashion, to influence generations to come, is a basically a story of great struggle. What he left behind though in a family, as a family, only a star could do it.

Steve Jobs was a true wonder, a gift to our generation. Like a few others stars, we are fortunate enough that he shone during our time. The way he lovingly showcased his white creations, with that black turtleneck and blue denim, will always remind us to stay hungry and foolish. How many of us manage to do that, is yet to be seen.

And one more thing....he made us into kids again. He gave us a toy, and made us ecstatic with the same scream, the same joy, that was missing within us for a long time since we were children. How I wish there was indeed One More Thing...

27th May 2012
Nachiket Mehta

Apple's home page on the day SJ died.

When a company shuns everything and just pays homage to a single person on their front page, it speaks a lot about how empty they feel due to their loss. What I also observed about these pages was the same uncluttered simplicity that SJ liked, and which is part of everything Apple.

I think this is probably the most brilliant adieu to SJ

Expecto Patronum

"A Patronus is a kind of positive force, and for the wizard who can conjure one, it works something like a shield, with the Dementor feeding on it, rather than him. In order for it to work, you need to think of a memory. Not just any memory, a very happy memory, a very powerful memory… Allow it to fill you up... lose yourself in it... then speak the incantation "Expecto Patronum"."  — Remus Lupin teaching Harry Potter the Patronus Charm

I often felt that J.K. Rowling actually wrote not for kids, but for adults. Kids were just a medium, a channel. Because; there are so many concepts in her Harry Potter series, which I think would appeal to adults at their level of maturity and understanding of the world , which kids never even might realize. Patronus is deceitfully one of them. 

We know Potter needs it .When Harry faces death ,or worse, through the Dementors sent by Lord Voldemort ( I am going to name him as much as I want), he summons his Patronus, a stag, a corporeal conjecture seemed to be made of silvery mist. But what exactly is a Patronus ? Its hard to define it in one sentence, may be because its simply a fancy name given to something that we know, something that we understand, something that we experience often , but can't describe. Just like "nostalgia"  or "deja vu" for instance. But somehow, I connected with concept  of Patronus  very deeply and personally . And on my recent trip to India, I suddenly realized what was my Patronus was all along . 

I have to thank the unexpected delays in India for this, which gave me time for some side projects.Long time ago, I had initiated an effort to digitise all the photos lying around in every nook and corner of  our house. There were numerous photos from the pre-digital age , dating back to my parents' marriage. I often asked my parents about their untimeliness and carelessness with maintaining the photos, and I used to get a very typical "parent" answer- " Photo chya mage laglo asto tar tumhala koni motha kela asta?"  literally translating into the fact that raising kids like us was such a herculean task, that it was a justification enough for every accusation of laziness on them. The fact that their wedding album was also not correctly done, with numerous loose photos lying everywhere, is a mystery I could not solve. 

It is unbelievable how much time consuming maintaining photos  is. Sort the loose photos, merge them with photos which already exist in the albums, scan all of them, arrange in logical folders on a computer, put them back in physical albums etc. So much, that it seems the task has just started. I couldn't even finish 20% of the task at hand before I left back for US. But though time consuming, I can assure you, it is one of the best nostalgic times one can ever have.

On one of the these slow afternoons, I was engrossed in enjoying pictures of me and my sisters' from our childhood. This photo session had all the elements in it- pictures of various birthdays, the various birthday cakes, the surprise at how our relatives looked back then, the surprise at how similar we looked , the surprise at how different we looked , the ridiculous clothes we wore back then (or were made to wear), and the amusement with the cool hairstyles we had back then. Everything really ! Shortly,my mom arrives home from her office. She enters our room, and sees that we are sitting in a heap of photos.  She knows what we are doing, but also curious at the same time. She nonchalantly walks to the heap and starts sampling the photos herself. She stops and stares at one of the photos. Its a photo of me, as a kid , who couldn't even walk. But I am smiling in that photo, as if I understand the reason for my parents' smiling back to me, back then when that photo was taken. She stares at it for some more time, but now she is not really looking at the photo. Her eyes are on it, but her mind seems to have wandered somewhere else. Her eyes slowly became moist. And then she cries. Failing miserably in hiding her emotions.She hugs me." Please don't leave me and go back" she says. There is pain and love in her voice. And then she cries even more. There is silence in the room, as I try to fight my tears . I want to cry aloud myself, but boys don't cry. 27 year olds certainly don't. Also her tight embrace is making it impossible to do so.

That very instant I realized ,that my Patronus are those childhood photos.

Looking at your own childhood photos is one of the most beautiful , but also, one of the most painful things to do. It is one of the hardest. May be because, old photos, not only freeze the time at that instant, but they also freeze the future at that instant. You can see your "then" envisioned future in those photos. You can see it in your eyes in the photo. You can see it in your smile. And a certain melancholy grips your mind, at the realization of how far away from that future  your current life has drifted away. At how hopeless and distraught your life really is.

Those Dementors feed on hopelessness, don't they? On unhappiness. On the drought in our life. On our wretchedness . On our fears. On our concerns. Our shortcomings. On our lack of faith. They essentially feed on the absence of love and hope in our life. They deprive us of our soul. They are soul eaters. Do these Dementors then, really need to be mythical creatures , a work of fiction? I think we can feel the effect of Dementors in our current frail life without too much effort, can't we?. And I think they are winning, and they are growing in numbers. Just think; how many of us, think we have enough love in our life? And how many of us, are continuously searching to get absorbed in some or the other form of love? And how few of us, realize the worth of the love that already exists in our lives?

We have let the Dementors chew away our soul. Job, money, relationships, failed relationships, degree,car, TV, bigger job, more money,another degree, bigger car, bigger TV. Really? Haven't these things somehow made us hopeless,and taken us away from that future? Haven't they made us enter a race we didn't really want to race, made us colder than we wanted to ? Made us fall in love with people and objects, from whom it would be stupid to expect love back. But still we do it. The real question is, is our cold life really an outcome of nothing else being possible? Why are we "acting", as if we are the unfortunate destiny's child, destined to face sorrow  and less than deserved love throughout our life? Why can't we just be happy? I think we have chosen to be unloved. May be because, it is relatively easier to glamorize the pain, and stay like that forever, instead of having the courage to have faith in the power of love, and face the pain fearlessly. I agree problems exist. Life is not easy. Its very trying at times. But it is no excuse to give up on hope and love. 

We need to fight these Dementors. May be, all we need to fight for is a continuous reminder of the love we are entitled to, one that sustains in the worst of scenarios. We need to trust it. Whenever I feel down, whenever I feel that the world has gotten to me, whenever I feel these metaphoric Dementors are feeding on me, I think of my childhood photos. I conjure them in front of my eyes. I conjure up the happy moment my parents might have had experienced when they had  lived through that moment , of me in those photos. I realize , that my mom had cried on seeing those photos of mine, because the memory of that infinite happiness was too overwhelming for her. Those tears were fluid love. May be she had also forgotten that she could be that happy. 

It changes my emotions in an instant. I feel good about my existence. It matters to me , that I matter to someone. It matters to me, that someone still loves me. It suddenly makes me feel human, and makes me realize that I have not grown so cold , so as to not experience my parents' love at all. It suddenly reminds me of what I am here for, and that the loved ones matter beyond anything else. It makes me feel the pain and efforts my parents willingly underwent in raising me. In making me what I am. It again makes me realize, that living for your loved ones is all that matters. It suddenly feels cheap and cowardly to make a fuss about my current problems. I suddenly see all the things my parents let go off, so that I get a better life. It is strange how someone else's sacrifices can empower you. I realize ,that no matter how hard I try , I cannot find anyone else who loves me like my parents. I then cheer myself up without thinking twice and face whatever comes my way. Because giving up would mean letting down my parents' love. 

And again, love wins.

We don't really need Rowling to tell us that, but she got it right. A mom's love for her kid is the only real magic. That Patronus, that photographic memory of happiness and hope, is so powerful, that it makes everything else wash away. It takes  away my worries . It often makes me cry, conjuring up the same fluid love in my eyes. Jolts me back to the vast fortune showered upon me. Pure, unadulterated unbiased love,  which works magically to provide strength. It is ultimately love, and the hope of it, that is making us survive. That is all there is to the idea of Patronus. It is the belief in the power of love.

I am convinced my Patronus are my childhood photos. And that gleam in my eye, which shines almost as if to commemorate the love in that picture.  Its the future from the past that you want to hold on to. That you want to make come true. Because, somehow ,it feels that ,that future gets corrupted and ripped apart day after day.

They say photos speak a thousand words. Yes, photography has that power. But I think old photos speak even  more. They probably even utter a few spells. We should all pledge to not let the Dementors win.We should all find our Patronuses- it could be a song,a photo,a kiss, the emotion behind it, a person, an object , a thought- we all need it.Tap into the magic that is- for it is indeed around us , and for us to use. Because we are all really just wizards.

Allow it to fill you up... lose yourself in it... then speak the incantation "Expecto Patronum" !

29th June 2011

Nachiket Mehta

Note: Not quite the photos in question, but some memories from my side project :-

The Wannabe Black

The Old "Faithful"

The Good Boy

Shaadi Aaj Kal

There is a new dimension to the pre early mid life crisis. Marriage.

The debate between arranged and love marriage has taken an all time high, and the general discontent among the unmarried is growing. Singles, hopeful of finding the so called love or the proverbial "soul-mate" are turning more practical day by day, but at the same time, letting this frustration boil down into their decision making skills. Marriage has always been a pre early mid life dilemma. But , it was probably never more important, as is with this identity fighting generation.

As a teenager, everyone wants to fall in love. And get married with that loved one eventually. But soon, some of us find out, that we are losers in the Darwinian sense; that we cannot find our own partner( I know Darwinism is subverted in these current times, but I think you get the point). Or even simply, some of us realize, we are not quite cut out for commitment and love. The adjustment, the change is too much to be acceptable. But, is that really extinction for us? So here's the deal. On an average, in most probability, if you are to find your soul mate, you are likely to find such a person during your late teens or early twenties. Everything else, after that is purely a compromise and essentially the same. This fact , that everything else is essentially the same, is what I am going to try to explain.

As a teen, you are in college, you find someone there, you get to spend time, really know that person etc etc. The point is, there is an 'option' to spend some 'years' with that person, before you start thinking of engagement and marriage. And if that option is exercised, and if the couple survives, they have said to have found the proverbial soul-mate. But if one has not really 'succeeded' till lets say 24, 25, then the mind starts convincing itself of different people as soul-mates, because it cannot let go of the fact, that it wants to fall in love, and not 'accept' anyone through arranged marriage. This is where the problem begins. Most of the youth have a hidden disregard for arrange marriage. It does not quite fit their already super bloated, falsely justified egos. They nurture this disregard at the cost of pulling a veil over a risk, of committing to a not so compatible person.

At 24, 25, this is what happens. Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. They both know they are single. Arrange marriage is to be avoided at all costs. So the boy thinks he likes the girl. The girl thinks she probably likes the guy. Now, they both know, at this stage, that they are convincing themselves to like each other, without really liking each other. Looking back, there was hope even at this stage. But they both argue with the tiny 'angel' that pops next to their right ear, that unless one of them takes a chance, how would they know if they are a fit for each other ? The 'devil' has already started smiling at the left ear. So , they take a chance. They slowly convince themselves, that the other person was destined to die with them. Live with them at least, for starters. A lot of Shah Rukh Khan movies are seen, and Taylor Swift songs are heard. Life is good. It was never better. Until the intermission.

21 st century, along with the fact that an age of 24,25 brings in other responsibilities, hardly gives any time to continue the movie the same way after interval. I am not saying it doesn't work, but, its extremely difficult, to make it work, while the girl and the boy are in different countries, states, cities or even zip code, or simply just living two different lifestyles, or professions. They cannot ever get the same time, like a couple in their late teens or early twenties would get, to know each other, fight with each other, be surprised at each other, hate each other, and fall in love with each other all over again,3 times a week at least. Well, some people fight, by trying to keep it alive by emails, phone calls, and texting, but it ends some day. AT&T does not have a cheap texting plan. The result? The intelligence kicks in, and the girl and the boy realize that they probably cannot ever invest in the relationship enough. Either or both start losing interest in each other. Also because their egos do not let them neglect other things in life as well. Many a times, a friend's good looking spouse, or a friend's good looking girlfriend/boyfriend ,or any other self justified reason, makes them think that they can and should shoot for something better as well. This reinforces their current thought that they have probably compromised, and it distances themselves from the relationship even further. And they realize that they are as susceptible to like the next girl and the boy , who even remotely smiles at them. Often, friendships are rushed through, so fast , that they cease to exist. This is what brings me to arrange marriage.

A typical scenario again. Probably 4-5 choices. More if you are a Gujju. One choice is picked. The boy and the girl start talking, texting, and eventually calling each other. Ah, the courtship period is beautiful , where each tries to impress the other knowingly, and the other lets it happen, again knowingly. The families have already signaled green. So, these two, the new pair of girl and boy, catch up with each other pretty fast, especially when the the intention itself is to be compatible and ultimately get married. Now, lets say, after a month or two of courtship, this new pair is at a comfort level, which would be equivalent to the comfort level of lets say, the girl and boy in the discussion above, the pair which has tried to "fall " in love, and tried to build a relationship, lets say for 4-5 months or even almost a year.

So, if they are equivalent, on what basis, is the person supposed to decide , whether he should chose the person he tried to fall in love with and is probably a compromise, or the person he met through the arrange marriage channel, which is also a different compromise? Its equivalent. Neither is real love. The person would have fallen in love with the arrange marriage suitor as well, if he or she was the one they had met before. And this is especially true, because, after the age of 24.25, 'love' is a compromise, and a 'calculation'. The family is checked, the finances are checked, the looks are checked, and rest of the things on the list are checked. If you get all check marks, you fall in love. Its that simple. Why shouldn't the person go for the arrange marriage option? At least the arrange marriage option has resolved basic compatibility and family issues. Or should he go with an option of "the person he chose" just to get a sense of "self achievement" ?

In fact, because of these very check marks, and the general tendency to become more compatible to make the marriage work, arrange marriages could have a higher success rate, than the pre early mid life "love marriages". There are less surprises. Egos have already accepted each other. Finances are sorted out. The families are happy and prone to adjust. And the truth is, love can grow here as well. If a person can fall in love at 24, or convince himself that he has, he can definitely fall in love with his spouse, even though it is after marriage. After all, what would make a love marriage work, is often, the same thing, which would make an arranged marriage work. The order in which that was realized is not important in the long run. Its important that the thing which makes marriages work is realized at all.

In fact, because of the equivalence of two scenarios above, each scenarios itself become questionable about the person's integrity. There is none. If one realizes, that given the right circumstances, after 24,25, he or she can pretty much like or fall in love with any suitable person, he should realize its a compromise in the first place.

True love is practically proverbial. If not, it at least takes time, like all things in nature. Don't rush through it. Don't convince yourself for it. Don't make yourself helpless, frustrated, and disgusting, for it. Give it time. Give you friend the time. If it stays, its yours to enjoy. But if it doesn't, you would at least not lose a friend. Go through being a friend first , before becoming a soul mate. Its a necessary, but often neglected stage in the 'rushed love'. Sadly, sometimes the friendship exists, because something else is desired. So, if you are not in your late teens, or early twenties, or not physically close to your girlfriend/boyfriend, better start accepting things will not be good on the 'finding love' front. They might not be even a bad fairytale. They could be a nightmare for all you know. But anyway, if you choose to follow the rat race, which is not wrong by the way, don't fret over it. Its not extinction. Arrange marriages work. Their very design makes them work.

We should enjoy the Valentine's day though. I am not against love. Neither am I a orange flag bearer, who wants to assault women in pubs. Hope and wish to fall in love, but do not regret if you don't. Do not fret if you don't. Its not a right. Its a random privilege. Love is heaven. Love is fantastic. Love is wonderful. Love is cloud # 9.5. Love is enlightening. Love is life. Love is hope. Love is pure. Love is good. Yes.

But Love is also highly overrated. Love Marriages, more so.

As my favorite SRK said

"

Mohabbat ke jamane gujar gaye jaanab,

Mohabbat ke jamane gujar gaye jaanab,

Ab ,chotey motey pyar se hi kaam chala lijiye aap " :):)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7_NxARCH4c

Nachiket Mehta

9th Day of Feb 10 

Committed Compatibilty Coefficient

Necessity is the mother of invention,they say. 

Have you ever been one of those , where you did not know why you were in a certain place at a certain time? Did you ever feel out of place just because the rest of the people around you are talking on the phone with their girlfriends and/or boyfriends? Were you there ever , when all the logic in the world seemed to fail , where a "couple" was concerned? Did you ever see any of your previously respected friends, lose all the respect you had for them after they became committed? Or were you in a dilemma ever, if you should join a particular group of people , in their social plans, trying to think whether you would gel in or not?

Well, I have been in plenty of these scenarios, and if you have ever been single in your life,surrounded by "committed"/"its complicated" kind of people, you would know how it feels. I was once wondering if I should accept a particular social invitation, and pondering over this on my bus ride home. Thats when I thought, why not have a measurable figure of merit to make this decision.?Its too taxing on my small "single" brain anyway! One thing led to another, and after hours of unfunded research, and studying of special cases, I came up with C3- the Committed Compatibility Coefficient. 

The following text is extremely readable and demands no prerequisites except the will to understand the truth. And fractions, which you learnt in 5th grade. Examples covering the most common cases are also published to aid the reader in understanding the concepts faster. 

C3  =  1 - P

C3 is actually the compatibility coefficient for "singles",and obviously, P is the coefficient for the complimentary set, the "committed" people. In most cases, C3 is what matters most, but just to be clear, in a rare case of population inversion, where there are less committed people in a group of many single people, they also, theoretically feel left out, and might want to calculate this "P" factor.

P is defined by 

P =   C             where,

      ----

       T

C : Number of committed people in the group

T: Total number of people in the group.

Now you must be thinking, this is basic! But more is coming, and it is necessary to establish the foundation.
Lets take an example. Let there be 5 people in a social group. Let their names me Tom ,Dick,Harry, and Sita ,Gita. Let 3 people out of this group be committed. Say Dick, Harry and Sita are committed and Tom ,Gita are single. Hence P would be 3/5 and hence C3 would be 1 - 3/5 = 2/5.  This should be the compatibility coefficient for Tom and Gita to the group.  3/5 i.e P would be the compatibility of Dick, Harry and Sita  to the group.

It is easy to see, and even intuitive to imagine practically, that if 4 people were committed, lets say Gita too was committed, then Tom would have felt more weird in that group. This "more weird" can be easily seen through C3, as now, P would be 4/5 and C3 would be 1/5. Now 1/5 is definitely smaller than previous C3 which was 2/5 . Hence the compatibility of Tom went down, as expected.  

Also interesting to see is that P went up , which agrees with the other practical observation, that the compatibility of "committed" people goes up when they are in similar crowd. Essentially because everyone seems to be doing the same stupid things, and no one seems to mind anyone else. They are in their own world.

Now there is one more effect to be modeled in the formula.  We all know that if , out of the committed people in a group, there is a "couple" there itself, the uncomfortness of the "single" person further increases. This is because, the "couple" behave, like they are a separate entity in itself. Mathematically, it adds a virtual person to the group, and to the number of total committed people too. Or, to put it simply, the P factor gets modified to 

P =   C + Nc

       --------

      T + Nc

Nc: Number of "couples" or "pairs" in the group.

C and T mean the same thing as previously.

Example again. Lets now assume, that except Tom, everyone is committed. So , the basic formula gives the C3 value for Tom as 1/5 as seen above. But what if Harry and Sita are committed? The incompatibility of Tom to the group has to go up. Nc = 1 in this case. Hence the new P factor is (4+1)/(5+1) = 5/6 and the new "corrected" C3 value for Tom is 1 - P = 1/6.  It is easy to see that the corrected C3 value 1/6 is less than the basic first order approximation of 1/5, which agrees with the practical observations that Tom must be feeling more out of place.

Corollary: If a social group involves finite number of distinct couples, each one of the social group is completely compatible to the rest of the group.

This can be easily verified, even by first approximation. But, this proves that the second order approximation is correct too. A group involving only couples means its a  group with even number of people. Lets say 6. Hence 3 couples. So , according to first approximation, the P factor is 6/6 which is "1". Remember , that for "committed" category, the compatibility is given by P and not C3. Now, by the revised formula, P is again (6+ 3/6+3) = 1 !

You must have observed how married /committed people plan picnics and get-togethers together. There is hardly any "single" person involved.And that is the best thing to do. Each person in that group feels comfortable, with he/she being concerned only about his/her partner , who , obviously is also there. Also, in all these cases,  C3 will be tending to zero . Hence , such a social invitation would turn out to be pretty dangerous for "single" people. They should avoid C3 values below .2 under all circumstance, or it might leave deep lasting scars on their mind, with consequences as ghastly as they permanently being "single".

Also, logically, it makes sense for singles to go in for a social group of C3 values more than .5, as there are chances of other opposite sex(same sex for some) single persons being in the group. 

And this brings us to the next degree of approximation. And this is interesting.Imagine a situation, where in a group, a set of people are not really seeing each other, but one of them wants something to work out between them .He/she might have , lets say, a crush on the other. In these cases, the person convinces himself/herself that he/she might be compatible to the group even if they are not. For e.g  if in the set of 5 people mentioned,  Tom has a crush on Sita.  Even though he might find the group boring,he still might go in for a movie plan, because he wants to have a chance with Sita. So, assuming Harry and Gita are a couple, Dick is committed, Sita and Tom are single , by the second order approximation which was explained earlier, the C3 value for Tom was 1 - (3+1)/(5+1) =2/6 = 1/3 .

The revised P factor now is 

P =  C + Nc -Ni          where

      -------------

         T + Nc

Ni is the number of people in the group you are "interested" in. 

Interested could mean different things for different people .Rest of the things mean the same.

So the new P is (3 +1 -1)/(5+1) = 3/6 and the new C3 values for Tom is 1/2 . Wow..the compatibility of Tom to the group did increase, and he might actually go for the movie! In real life too..Tom would have. It is important to note that, the denominator still has T + Nc term, because unlike in previous case, the total number of people did not virtually change. This P factor holds as long as P is positive. If Ni becomes more than C+Nc, then ideally, C3 factor should be assumed to be 1. Readers are left to interpret this on their own. 

I think this level of approximation is enough for the "single" layman  out there, waiting for some answers from the heavens above. A lot more research is going on, because as you already know and have experienced, relationships are amazingly complex. There might be cases of a social group where there is a couple, and one of the persons of the couple is attracted to someone else in the group who is single . Take that! And what if they are of the same sex. Beat that! Modelling all that in the C3 values will take years of funded research. Till then , this amateur work, done solely with the intention of serving the public, with noblest of intentions, should suffice. Any question , suggestions, corrections to the modelling are welcome. We all want to together make this world a better place for "single" people. My roommate Gagan, has been my best critic. He might be instrumental in taking this research to the next level. My thanks to him.

So to summarize, the C3 value which is the compatibility coefficient for a "single" person to the group is 

C3 = 1 -P

P =  C + Nc -Ni

      -------------

        T + Nc

T:   Total number of people in the social group.

C:   Total committed people in the social group.

Nc: Number of couples in the social group 

Ni:  Number of people you are "interested" in , in the social group.

P:  Committed person's compatibility to the social group.

So, singles, go walk into this world, with your head held high, and the C3 value calculated.

Nachiket Mehta

Single

14th Feb 2009