There is a
new dimension to the pre early mid life crisis. Marriage.
The debate
between arranged and love marriage has taken an all time high, and the general
discontent among the unmarried is growing. Singles, hopeful of finding the so
called love or the proverbial "soul-mate" are turning more practical
day by day, but at the same time, letting this frustration boil down into their
decision making skills. Marriage has always been a pre early mid life dilemma.
But , it was probably never more important, as is with this identity fighting
generation.
As a
teenager, everyone wants to fall in love. And get married with that loved one
eventually. But soon, some of us find out, that we are losers in the Darwinian
sense; that we cannot find our own partner( I know Darwinism is subverted in
these current times, but I think you get the point). Or even simply, some of us
realize, we are not quite cut out for commitment and love. The adjustment, the
change is too much to be acceptable. But, is that really extinction for us? So
here's the deal. On an average, in most probability, if you are to find your
soul mate, you are likely to find such a person during your late teens or early
twenties. Everything else, after that is purely a compromise and essentially
the same. This fact , that everything else is essentially the same, is what I
am going to try to explain.
As a teen,
you are in college, you find someone there, you get to spend time, really know
that person etc etc. The point is, there is an 'option' to spend some 'years' with that person, before you start thinking of engagement
and marriage. And if that option is exercised, and if the couple survives, they
have said to have found the proverbial soul-mate. But if one has not really 'succeeded' till lets
say 24, 25, then the mind starts convincing itself of different people as
soul-mates, because it cannot let go of the fact, that it wants to fall in
love, and not 'accept' anyone through
arranged marriage. This is where the problem begins. Most of the youth have a
hidden disregard for arrange marriage. It does not quite fit their already super
bloated, falsely justified egos. They nurture this disregard at the cost of
pulling a veil over a risk, of committing to a not so compatible person.
At 24, 25,
this is what happens. Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. They both know they are
single. Arrange marriage is to be avoided at all costs. So the boy thinks he
likes the girl. The girl thinks she probably likes the guy. Now, they both
know, at this stage, that they are convincing themselves to like each other,
without really liking each other. Looking back, there was hope even at this
stage. But they both argue with the tiny 'angel' that pops next to their right ear, that unless one of them
takes a chance, how would they know if they are a fit for each other ? The 'devil' has already
started smiling at the left ear. So , they take a chance. They slowly convince
themselves, that the other person was destined to die with them. Live with them
at least, for starters. A lot of Shah Rukh Khan movies are seen, and Taylor
Swift songs are heard. Life is good. It was never better. Until the
intermission.
21 st
century, along with the fact that an age of 24,25 brings in other
responsibilities, hardly gives any time to continue the movie the same way
after interval. I am not saying it doesn't work, but, its extremely difficult,
to make it work, while the girl and the boy are in different countries, states,
cities or even zip code, or simply just living two different lifestyles, or
professions. They cannot ever get the same time, like a couple in their late teens
or early twenties would get, to know each other, fight with each other, be
surprised at each other, hate each other, and fall in love with each other all
over again,3 times a week at least. Well, some people fight, by trying to keep
it alive by emails, phone calls, and texting, but it ends some day. AT&T
does not have a cheap texting plan. The result? The intelligence kicks in, and
the girl and the boy realize that they probably cannot ever invest in the
relationship enough. Either or both start losing interest in each other. Also
because their egos do not let them neglect other things in life as well. Many a
times, a friend's good looking spouse, or a friend's good looking
girlfriend/boyfriend ,or any other self justified reason, makes them think that
they can and should shoot for something better as well. This reinforces their
current thought that they have probably compromised, and it distances
themselves from the relationship even further. And they realize that they are
as susceptible to like the next girl and the boy , who even remotely smiles at
them. Often, friendships are rushed through, so fast , that they cease to
exist. This is what brings me to arrange marriage.
A typical
scenario again. Probably 4-5 choices. More if you are a Gujju. One choice is
picked. The boy and the girl start talking, texting, and eventually calling
each other. Ah, the courtship period is beautiful , where each tries to impress
the other knowingly, and the other lets it happen, again knowingly. The
families have already signaled green. So, these two, the new pair of girl and
boy, catch up with each other pretty fast, especially when the the intention
itself is to be compatible and ultimately get married. Now, lets say, after a
month or two of courtship, this new pair is at a comfort level, which would be
equivalent to the comfort level of lets say, the girl and boy in the discussion
above, the pair which has tried to "fall " in love, and tried to
build a relationship, lets say for 4-5 months or even almost a year.
So, if they
are equivalent, on what basis, is the person supposed to decide , whether he
should chose the person he tried to fall in love with and is probably a
compromise, or the person he met through the arrange marriage channel, which is
also a different compromise? Its equivalent. Neither is real love. The person
would have fallen in love with the arrange marriage suitor as well, if he or
she was the one they had met before. And this is especially true, because,
after the age of 24.25, 'love' is a compromise, and a 'calculation'.
The family is checked, the finances are checked, the looks are checked, and
rest of the things on the list are checked. If you get all check marks, you
fall in love. Its that simple. Why shouldn't the person go for the arrange
marriage option? At least the arrange marriage option has resolved basic
compatibility and family issues. Or should he go with an option of "the
person he chose" just to get a sense of "self achievement" ?
In fact,
because of these very check marks, and the general tendency to become more
compatible to make the marriage work, arrange marriages could have a higher
success rate, than the pre early mid life "love marriages". There are
less surprises. Egos have already accepted each other. Finances are sorted out.
The families are happy and prone to adjust. And the truth is, love can grow
here as well. If a person can fall in love at 24, or convince himself that he
has, he can definitely fall in love with his spouse, even though it is after
marriage. After all, what would make a love marriage work, is often, the same
thing, which would make an arranged marriage work. The order in which that was
realized is not important in the long run. Its important that the thing which
makes marriages work is realized at all.
In fact,
because of the equivalence of two scenarios above, each scenarios itself become
questionable about the person's integrity. There is none. If one realizes, that
given the right circumstances, after 24,25, he or she can pretty much like or
fall in love with any suitable person, he should realize its a compromise in
the first place.
True love is
practically proverbial. If not, it at least takes time, like all things in
nature. Don't rush through it. Don't convince yourself for it. Don't make
yourself helpless, frustrated, and disgusting, for it. Give it time. Give you
friend the time. If it stays, its yours to enjoy. But if it doesn't, you would
at least not lose a friend. Go through being a friend first , before becoming a
soul mate. Its a necessary, but often neglected stage in the 'rushed love'. Sadly, sometimes the friendship exists,
because something else is desired. So, if you are not in your late teens, or
early twenties, or not physically close to your girlfriend/boyfriend, better
start accepting things will not be good on the 'finding love' front.
They might not be even a bad fairytale. They could be a nightmare for all you
know. But anyway, if you choose to follow the rat race, which is not wrong by
the way, don't fret over it. Its not extinction. Arrange marriages work. Their
very design makes them work.
We should
enjoy the Valentine's day though. I am not against love. Neither am I a orange
flag bearer, who wants to assault women in pubs. Hope and wish to fall in love,
but do not regret if you don't. Do not fret if you don't. Its not a right. Its
a random privilege. Love is heaven. Love is fantastic. Love is wonderful. Love
is cloud # 9.5. Love is enlightening. Love is life. Love is hope. Love is pure.
Love is good. Yes.
But Love is
also highly overrated. Love Marriages, more so.
As my
favorite SRK said
"
Mohabbat ke
jamane gujar gaye jaanab,
Mohabbat ke
jamane gujar gaye jaanab,
Ab ,chotey
motey pyar se hi kaam chala lijiye aap " :):)
Nachiket
Mehta
9th Day of
Feb 10
10 comments:
couldn't agree more...
by the way...you do know that sandeep is going to gloat about the "love is a calculation" line.....
My thoughts exactly!
Many a times it seems people feel a need to 'be in love'. I believe that it is of utmost important for people to be comfortable being single and only then can they do justification to any relationship, arranged or self-arranged...
Very well written. The whole thing is played out wrong mainly due to peer pressure and self convincing by people of notions which they have not really thought through. The overrating is needed though for people to stay happy. Is it wrong to be in an illusionary world? Not at all. That is what true love is I hear. About the marriages being successful, you compromise sooner or later; the more you are willing to budge, the better it is. Be it arranged or love marriage, as time goes on expect to compromise more in a relationship and you are fine. I like the way Neeraj put it. Love marriages seem to be just that -- "self arranged"
There is one more kind of love marriage which typically happens in case of working professionals.
It is again d same age grp of 24-25. It is due to continuous interactions in d work env. I bet it is not love of teens. It is some compromise. I need to figure it out.
One more observation: Good looking men and women fall in love more often than the other category.
I thought about this blog post a little more and hence wanted to re-comment.
In my opinion, arranged marriages are not the the same in essence to finding a partner on your own because of the following:
1. In sexual selection, which is what we subject potential mates to, a thorough analysis of compatibility does take place. Hence stating that the "post-early twenties" flings which lead to rocky relationships are less founded than an arranged marriages which happen after only after a complete compatibility matching procedure, is not entirely correct.
2. In an arranged marriage, it generally so happens that you need to select your partner from a pool of shortlisted candidates, all of whom match your criteria. Once the selection happens and the families concerned are notified, the dating stage begins, shortly followed by marriage. There is no time to see if the relationship would be successful over a longer period of time or not. Both partners are still in the "best foot forward" mode while "dating". Seeing each other for a year or so, getting to know each other's true personalities, living in etc...don't happen. I would much rather be in a relationship which allows me to do all this, and find out that I need to find someone else, than get into an arranged marriage and have not choice but to compromise.
These are just two out of many points I can think of which go in favor of finding your partner yourself than choosing an arranged marriage option.
Thus in my opinion, arranged marriages are not essentially the same as a post early twenties relationship. Yes, they could be in a few cases, but hoping for that is taking a risk. The sheer number of dissatisfied couples in India, where arranged marriages are the norm, provide an excellent statistic to what I am saying.
Also, the "true love" that we all talk about, can also be broken down in a very systematic and ruthless fashion to show that it in essence is nothing but sexual selection, very similar to the choosing that happens in casual relationships as well as the initial selection in arranged marriages.
Siddharth,
I am glad you spent some decent time to think and give your opinions, but I would also like to make a few comments, especially to the points you have raised. But before that, let me clarify the theme or the purpose of my blog, which is to simply establish the equivalence, which I think exists to an appreciable degree, of the two scenarios of arrange marriage and love marriage , post 24,25. This is not to say that either is more preferred over the other. My purpose was to point out, that if they are so equivalent, and the remaining in-equivalence, if not in our control, it might be inefficient and frustrating for someone of Indian upbringing, to stick to his peer and ego fueled notion of "choosing his own partner".
Having said that, to comment on your points,
1.Again, I did not say that post 24,25 relationships are necessarily rocky. I simply pointed out that the risk is equivalent. I mention that what is essential for a marriage to work, is same, irrespective whether its love or arranged. Love marriages can also work. I pointed out how someone, desperate, out of any obvious or non obvious reason, chooses to forcibly fall in love, convince himself of the person. That is a dangerous streak that I wanted to address. That definitely has a higher chance of failure, even more so than an arrange marriage, because , the things that you mentioned -getting to know the person well, trying out- they have not happened at all. They have been glossed over or purposely ignored.
2.Here too, I think you have confused with my claim. I said that, both scenarios will effectively have the same time, and compromises,as in general, you have to make intuitive and quick decisions, because of lack of time , 2010 lifestyle etc. for post 24,25 discussions. You mention " There is no time to see if the relationship would be successful over a longer period of time or not". That is precisely what I am saying, but extending it not just to arrange marriage case,but to post 24,25 love marriages too. I believe, people "falling in love" also do not "really" have this time. They simply convince themselves that they have spent the required time, and jump in. It might work, it might not. In an arrange marriage, this fact is more obvious and accepted. In post 24,25 love marriage, this fact is tried to be ignore, for most of the cases.
I also do not agree with the claim "The sheer number of dissatisfied couples in India..." that arrange marriages in India are failing. We have seen our parents generation survive and cherish that, and we have numerous examples for our generation as well. People are getting more educated, and they understand what it need to make it work. The compromises one makes in an arrange marriage are simply more vocal, because of various reason. The compromises and dissatisfaction of post 24,25 love marriages are hidden, and kept within. But it does not change the fact that compromise and dissatisfaction exists. Again, what needs to make a marriage work is same irrespective or age, or type. In fact, because of "understanding" , and the obviousness, that one might not know the other person completely, and there has not been enough time spent, there is room for flexibility and later adjustment in an arrange marriage. Egos are not too involved, because expectation are low to start with, and then slowly raised. Love marriages start with high expectations, and generally try to hide the incompatibilities. Love marriage with low starting expectations would be just another name for an arrange marriage.
I agree with your point about failing arrange marriages, if you have an image of marriage crimes, man beating wife,forced marriages, child marriages etc. But that is not the realm of my discussions. My subject matter is the"nominal" case, where more or less, everything is done with proper consent.
Also, I am talking for the average. Individual cases have their own flavoring.
Nachiket,
I think you misunderstood what I was trying to say about late twenties relationships and arranged marriages.
In a relationship, you can always break up if some sort of incompatibility arises. Of course when you get into a relationship, a basic level of analysis of compatibility has happened. The same happens while choosing a partner in an arranged marriage. It is what follows is different.
In a dating sort of a relationship, you get to check the other person out more in detail since there is a period of about a year or more before you may decide to get married. If things don't work out, both parties can move on or decide to make compromises.
In an arranged marriage scenario, dating is taboo. Imagine telling your parents that you like a person out of the shortlist that they have made, but don't want to go ahead with an engagement or marriage right away, but would like to date that person for a year or so. And, in our times dating has become more serious an affair than what we'd like the older generation to think it is. In most cases it involves physical intimacy to varying degrees going up to living in together. It is during this phase that a more thorough compatibility analysis happens and the decision to compromise or to break up can be made.
In arranged marriages, this period is absent. Breaking up means divorce. Hence compromise is a more sought after option. I personally know couples (and it is generally the women) who have compromised so much in arranged marriages, just to avoid divorce. Had the relationship gone through the dating phase, the marriage might never have happened. I believe that this is one of the strongest points going for choosing your own partner.
I do agree though, that if in a case where you choose your own partner, but rush into a marriage, it is almost like an arranged marriage; the only difference being that in this case, your parents did not do the selection for you.
Also, I feel like you have hinted in your post that the initial selection procedure applied for arranged marriages is more thought out a process than quick relationships. I beg to differ here and want to say that selection, as far as looking for a mate goes is pretty much the same in any situation and is just as well thought out. My reference here being: The Mating Mind by Geoffery Miller. It is a book about Darwinian sexual selection.
Dani,
Your second last para, is all that my blog is about. The cases where, just to avoid an arrange marriage, love is perceived, or convinced. This has to do with wrong peer pressure,and wrong egotism. In the initial comments, you mention 'dating' and stuff, where you are indirectly assuming "time at hand". If the dating is very minimal, and a response is forced, or an opinion is forced/convinced, what would you call that? I think you would agree with me there.
When you say break up, you are indirectly hinting at break up "before marriage". Even in cases of love marriage, is the break up easier after marriage, or is it equally difficult as with arrange marriage ? I think , an after marriage break up would be equally difficult, except the concerns/consequences and 'who is to blame' game will be different. Regarding break ups before marriage, just because someone was not compatible, then this kind of break up is in fact part of design in arrange marriage. You go ahead each step, only after evaluating each thing. Both cases are a gamble ultimately. So, the "break up" stage exists with arrange marriages as well, as far as pre-marriage is considered. Arrange marriages have a short timeline built in, so , 'lets date for a year' does not happen there, but a courtship period is present. That is but a formal dating. If a start incompatibility is perceived in this courtship period, even arrange marriages are reevaluated. If it is not stark, then that compromise is seen acceptable. Same happens when choosing a partner,(when dearth of time), post 24,25.
You mention " Had the relationship gone through the dating phase, the marriage might never have happened. ".True . But isn't it same as saying, that in case of a failed love marriage, or a not so compatible couple, "If they had spend some more time knowing each other, they would not have married, instead of later regrets." The issue is , time as ones disposal. If you have time, both can be successful. What I am focusing on, is assuming, that with out current lifestyle, and after change and increase of priorities post 24,25, we do not have time to full do justice to a relationship, and this is what makes both the cases similar.
Imagine, that someone is single. His parents tell him they will start thinking about his marriage as soon as he graduates. He has , lets say 6-8 months at stretch. This person "tries" to fall in love. The try, often is unsuccessful. It would have been "equivalent" for him, to wait those 8 months, and "try" to fall in love, or "compromise" with the shortlisted candidates as well. This is my only case of consideration. If this same guy had 2 -3 years to find a partner, finding one his own was an obvious better option.
This is an interesting topic with a lot of aspects and complexities. I think it would be better if we take this conversation off this blog post and talk about it in person.
Post a Comment